going around something is the same as going through it

I was lost in my thoughts of everything that has been happening with me & her recently, so I decided to go for a walk. It was 1:30 in the morning. It was raining. But I had my iPod.

I thought of walking to the 100 yen store, but I didn't want to carry anything back & I don't like window shopping. So I walked toward the station to see what was happening in my little neighborhood. I took my earplugs out. Something wasn't quite right with the Audioslave I had been listening to. I listened to the drops hit the pavement, the trees, the parked cars. It sounded like music so I put my iPod in my pocket.

I am aware that this feeling deep in my stomach is not from her at all. And this feeling is not bad, in fact it does feel bad & is the complete opposite of the feeling I told her about. Such is the duality of the ethereal.

Three men were standing outside of the hostess club. I did not look back at them & would not be affected by their eyes. I felt like crossing the street & began to walk my usual route. The late-night sports bar was open. I thought of going there another night. I turned down the street to the cantina. I didn't want to walk past the place we first had dinner. But the street I turned down was not the street to the cantina after all. I saw a park, & those dome-like things with metal bars I climbed on as a child.

I looked down a street to my left which ran parallel to the train tracks. I saw lights. I could smell ramen. It looked interesting. It was a street that I had wanted to walk down in the past. I crossed over & saw Jack's Inn Cantina.

This feeling is not me. It's not from her but I made it. It's pointing to me.

I passed an apartment building and saw light coming from a second-floor window. There were stuffed animals sitting on the window's ledge. There were at least ten.

I saw the owner turn over the CLOSED sign of the cantina. I looked at an apartment window in the distance: a woman's silouette closed curtains. I thought about non-resistance. I'm learning that it is one of the greatest things.

Sometimes going around something is the same as going through it.

That day she disappeared into the woods created a space in my life. I had wondered who would be next to fill it. Maybe it was the one I met today. The girl who kept wavering from my gaze, but kept searching for it again. I hoped so.

I heard what sounded like a bell. Then again. And again. It was the rain hitting something metal. It made music again. And then men's voices in the distance. Loud, arrogant, drunken. I looked at them but didn't want to see.

Then one said, "you drunken mother fucker" & grabbed & punched one of the other ones. The third one acted with weakness. He rested one arm on each as the one began the throw to the ground of the other one as I kept walking. They went out of view. I didn't hear this other one hit the ground.

I was close to the station & heard the bell sounds again. What would I see next? A convenience store & a couple walk in. I hopped over the railing to jaywalk across the street & thought about how good a tuna rice ball would taste at this moment.

But once inside I decided to buy a drink. The man blocked my path to the coolers. I walked back down the aisle to come up the other side. They were choosing chuhi's & giggling, lost in their moment.

I began to reach for a Coke Zero. I then remembered it was what she had with her that day. The girl's back blocked me & as I reached around anyway she moved forward.

Another one wearing a large gold necklace with alphabet pendants & a short skirt walked in as I was walking out. She looked like a hostess & was talking to someone on the phone. I could hear her say that she was also off today.

As I walked toward home the girl's strong perfume lingered with me & the night's soft music resumed.

it's bad to poke holes

M&M-san, the hot sales lady who comes twice a week, spent a long time at my desk. She says she's going back to her hometown for Golden Week.

Golden Week is the one time of the year that the Japanese take a vacation. And they all do it together. And it's not really a week, but around five days.

"I'm going to do nothing," she says. "But I'm going to eat a lot."

"What's the famous food?" I ask.

Every city here has a famous food. There's even a town that is famous only for squid & the people have squid everything, even squid dessert. It's true cause I read about it in a book.

"Rice," M&M says.

I start laughing. "Rice is famous everywhere. What else?"

She looks into my eyes, looks up & to the right, all while smiling & says "sake."

I start laughing again. Sake is famous everywhere in Japan, too. Right?

M&M then looks at me & asks about the gym. I flex my muscles & she grabs my arm. Then she pokes my belly. I lift up my shirt (I'm at work, yeah, but I'm crazy) & she pokes again.

"A little more," she says.

Yep, still a ways to go.

M&M doesn't like to exercise. She can only swim 25m & then must get out of the pool. She does ski & has recently started snowboarding. Her prefecture is famous for snow. She showed me some pictures:

A building & snow.

A train station & snow.

The train tracks, covered in snow.

Houses, trees, animals, children - everything & everyone - covered in snow.

"But I love basketball," she says.

I tell her we should play together & she agrees. Who knows when & if this will ever happen, but hey.

Anyway, she leaves but I see her later talking to Mazda-san. Mazda-san sees me & then tells M&M that I have an earring. She saw it when she ran into me drinking beer with my friends at the park one day.

Both of them get all serious & start exchanging words & looks in Japanese. M&M wants to see it.

"I don't have it," I say. "Next time."

I then look at her ears as she pulls back her hair. No piercings. I'm shocked.

Mazda-san then says, "it's bad to poke holes in things in Japan."

I look back at M&M. I don't know how to respond to this. I just smile & say goodbye, quietly walking away.

my body

My hands are red. I think it may be from all the Jim Beam & Coke Zero I drank last night. Or maybe it's from all the sun I've been getting lately. I look at my head in the mirror: It's red, too.

Last night I stepped on the scale, naked, in the Gold's locker room. 81.6. It was teasing me. The red numbers jumped to 82.0. We're talking kg people. :-)

My head is very fucked up right now. For the last three days (since I met that woman who put music in my head) I haven't been able to think straight or write. And when I do think & when I do write, weird shit comes out.

When you're a gaijin man in Japan & you're naked in front of other men (Japanese) they all stare at your wanker. It's curiosity, I guess. Back home we'd say, "hey you fucking homo! ..." But here I've gotten used to it.

I remember once when I was happily relieving myself in the subway restroom when a young man a couple urinals down, finished his business, & then stood there staring at my _____ until I finished.

So back to the rest of my body. Last year I weighed 104 kg.

...

I just read an old journal entry from two years ago when I was fat. My voice sounded different when I read the words just now. Maybe it was because I was fat.

I just posted it here but then deleted it. It was shit writing & long. I'm sure you have better things to do with your day than to read long crappy writing, yeah?

...

There's a problem with the confocal microscope. Brains says someone touched the apparatus up top. I didn't do it. Brains is always blaming people for stuff, & Muscles is always blaming me. So when Brains & Muscles get together, I like to leave the room. This happens quite often & it happened yesterday:

We had our monthly staff meeting &, as usual, Muscles says something to Sensei before the meeting is done. It's always something about me. And this something was also about the 1.5ml tubes.

"There's a big box of tubes. Why does Vandelay always order just a few bags? What's wrong with him? Why ...," she goes on.

I start to feel the tension rise up to my shoulders & I push it back down into my stomach & then recognize what I'm doing & stop & feel like laughing or smiling but I just sit there while she goes on.

The conversation between Muscles & Sensei begins to wind down & I take the opportunity to say I understand, so I say "sounds good."

This pisses off Muscles. She stares at me but then looks away & with a strong stern voice she says "Oh sounds good. Well you can't just say that. You need to remember!"

Remember what? I think.

No one in this place tells me anything & when they do it's always blame. That's how it is to work in Japan. If you think I'm wrong, ask anybody who has worked with Japanese.

I let it go.

Breathe in...

Breathe out...


(Repeat 2x)

Aummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

That's why I keep acting like a buddhist. My friends & family think I'm insane. But if you're always having to let shit go ... you end up becoming one with the universe.

I digress. Back to my body.

I've been putting too much shit into it. Like alcohol. And recently, smokes again. Ah it's terrible. My brain has become a vegetable of late.

So yesterday I go to the supermarket & see lots of good shit but I end up buying large leafy lettuce, no fat tuna, soybeans & cottage cheese. I love cottage cheese.

I get back to work & peel off the container & - all the while talking to Dr. O- about the wonders of the stuff - my cottage cheese looks quite different than before.

It's all watery & strange.

I look at the date: it expired a month ago. Shit! I'm glad I didn't eat it. So now begins another adventure when I go back to the store & talk to customer service. How I'm going to do this in Japanese I have no idea but I will get my money back or a new cottage cheese. I love that stuff.

I'm going for a six-pack. I never had one.

There's 7 calories in 1 gram of alcohol. Four each in carbs & protein & a whopping 9 calories from each gram of fat.

...

I walked to the convenience store to get some gum. My breath smells like the smoke from last night.

I thought how much I'm like my father. I need to keep moving. And I will keep moving. I will fall in love but I won't get married. I won't try to settle down because that is not my nature. As much as I want to settle down, it is impossible. It is not what I need.

You can't always get what you want. So I'll try sometimes.

...

I decided to tell her:

When I think of you I get this feeling inside, & I like it. I'm not sure what this feeling is, but I haven't had it in a while. I won't act on this feeling, but I wanted to thank you. Even though I'm not sure if this feeling is coming from you, or if in fact I'm making it myself, I think you're part of it somehow & I want to know how you're a part of it & my hope is that you might feel something when you think of me.

Fuck I can't say that. Can I?

...

I got my cottage cheese & ate nearly the entire container. That stuff is goooood, goooood for your body.

who are you??

Nerves came in this morning (Friday! I love Fridays!) & said I shouldn't say dare desu ka.

"We say donata desu ka," she says. "Dare desu ka? is too direct. You often say dare desu ka. It sounds strange."

Oops, I think. This often happens in Japanese. I suck at the language. I just say whatever comes into my head. But there are many levels to Japanese & at work I shouldn't say dare desu ka. It's like saying "Who are you??!!"

"It's just my style," I said, & we both started laughing.

...

Last night I went to Shooters. I wasn't going to go, but then I ran into Manchy last night at the small eikaiwa I teach at. An eikaiwa is an English conversation school. They give me money to do what's easiest: speak English.

I was outta change so Manchy bought me a nomihodai. All-you-can-drink. What a great bud. Then we ran into E-chan. He was out getting drunk just like we would eventually do, but of course we didn't plan to. Just one. Yeah, right.

We all caught up. E-chan is doing well. Manchy is doing well. I am doing well. The whole fucking world is doing well. This brings me onto my next point:

Abundance.

...

I took some time & thought about this. I also went to pay my overdue Softbank bill & some other bills, like electric & gas. I'm wondering why in the hell my gas bill is going up when it's getting warmer.

I also checked out a website on abundance.

Basically, the law works like this. The Universe gives to those who already have. Yes, it's true. It's fucked up & not fair, but that's the rule. So, if you don't have, then how in hell are you going to become abundant?

That's the state I'm in now. Let's turn around, shall we?

Ok, I am abundant. We are all abundant. You, there, reading this now, are abundant. I'm looking at my life & I wonder how I could have so many great friends & how I could've met some of the most amazing people already in my life. And I have a great family. Yes, we are difficult. But we are so fucking unique it's amazing. And I could go on & on & on.

This is where I'm at now. This was not where I was at last year. It's abundance. The Universe rewards those who already have. So, I have. You there, too.

But I am thinking these days that the greatest gift of all is me. There's nothing else, really, that I need, & there's no one, really, that I need. Sure, I want. But I am beginning to sit back & look at things differently. Now, I'm relaxing in the background of my own consciousness, thinking "fuck, I have a lot of wants."

And that's me. Who are you??!!

this green tea sucks

I want to call K-san Nerves. That's going to be her new moniker.

Nerves tells me she doesn't like the tea. She says it politely. "This tea isn't so good." She actually means it sucks. "I'm in charge of tea & this tea isn't so good."

"I like it," I tell her. She's happy with this. She has gone on with her day.

Nerves runs around a lot. She works hard. I'm afraid though, one day, she's going to run into me when I'm carrying a beaker of something dangerous & that something dangerous will get all over her & me.

Nerves is from Ehime. Do you know it? I don't really. It's on the mysterious & slow-living island of Shikoku. Where's that you may wonder? Well, it's the smallest island of Japan (there are four main ones) so grab a map & look. Ehime is supposedly famous for tangerines, which they call mikan. In fact, tangerines (what we say in the US) are a variety of mikan.

Nerves is always either happy or frustrated. When she's happy, she has the most beautiful smile in the world. This usually happens when one of her daughters visits from out of town. Last month her daughter graduated from uni & Nerves was so fucking happy. It was awesome.

She gets sort of happy also when her husband visits from Kobe. He's one of those business bachelors in Japan.

When Nerves is frustrated, it makes me contemplate my own patience. She talks & talks & talks. In English. I'm used to it now. She worries a lot about the details. I think this is very Japanese & also very important. I don't give a rat's ass about details & it shows in how I live my life. But hey, that's just me.

So Nerves only works three days a week. The other days she teaches English to children. She's the second person I've known from Ehime. The other was a very sweet English teacher from one of my Jr. High schools I taught at.

I hope to make it down to Shikoku one day. They have 88 temples to see. Some people dress up in white robes & use walking sticks & walk to all of them. But today most people just drive. They call it hachi-ju-hachi. Eighty-eight. It's famous. All the best Zen priests in Japan have walked it. Maybe one day I will, too, & visit Ehime & have a tangerine, I mean, a mikan.

my cat cleo

N-san, one of the chemical sales guys, told me my eyes were red. He has a high-pitched voice & always smells of tobacco, especially on rainy days. I put two drops in each & told him I didn't understand what he was saying. I said, in Japanese, to "please be kind to me in the future," which is a kind way of saying thanks for now, see you later.

I just got back from the toilet where I sat & cried for 10 minutes thinking how sad I felt yet remembering how happy I was to remember all the great memories that Cleo & I spent together.

I found her about 10 years ago in Hollywood. I was visiting my girlfriend, M-, at the time. She lived in a run-down area of L.A., but isn't most L.A. run down? I heard a loud meowing & up she came all crying & rubbing against my leg, the skinny little rat.

...

(Dr. O- keeps looking at my computer. I can't concentrate.)

...

(I just wrote out a sketch for my first book. I will call it "When We Were Young.")

...

Back to Cleo, I remember how D-, my old 90-year-old landlady in Redondo Beach, saw Cleo in the window. She called me up at work & told me I had to get rid of her. I started looking. Then a week later D- came into my apartment to let the plumber in, & she called me & said she fell in love with Cleo, & that I could keep her so long as it was "our little secret." I stayed in Redondo Beach for a year, long enough for Cleo to tear up the curtains & my old love seat I brought from Georgia.

I left the old love seat outside in the trash when I left for Hollywood. I wanted to be closer to my new job at Disney & also to my girlfriend, M-. I moved into the apartment directly across the hall from hers, where she lived with her Mom, Dad & two sisters. Of course I brought Cleo.

Cleo & I lived there for nearly three years, long enough for M- & I to break up & for me to fall in love with a drug addict. Cleo was there for it all. Finally I had to leave town & brought Cleo with me on our cross-country journey.

It took us three days & she would not piss or shit once. She cried for two and a half hours, long enough to get out of California. But once we made it to Arizona, she started to relax. It was there, driving at night, that I had my greatest spiritual awakening. Cleo was there for that. And in New Mexico, while I stood outside & stared at the stars, holding her leash, waiting for her to do what she would not do, I thought about how alone I was at that moment & got back in the car, afraid of being exposed to all those stars.

We also stopped in Texas on that hot afternoon where I tied her to a tree & watched a guy mow his lawn. I was burning up.

We made it to Mississippi on a Friday night & watched people come & go from the convenience store, buying lottery tickets, alcohol, condoms, headed to the casino nearby.

We made it to Georgia, to the house I grew up in, where I explored the woods, fished in the creek, & where Cleo was able to start a new life.

Mom tells me she's dying. Her teats are swollen with cancer & she will not eat. She is lying under my bedroom window, strangely on the spot where my old cat Rusty was buried 25 years ago. She will die any minute now.

I don't know how it's possible to be happy & sad at the same time, but I am. I mean, I'm sad because I won't be able to see her when I go back in two months. I wasn't able to say goodbye. She always remembers me. For the last ten years she has always been there, somewhere, in me. Now I must let her go. But I'm happy she was able to live in the woods the last six years, to have kittens, to chase opossums & squirrels, to live out her days. I'm happy for that.

even ducks avoid the rain

I often leave the lab during lunch to get away. I usually end up going down to the pond to sit & ponder or stroll around the edge for extra exercise. Today I went for the exercise & not to ponder.

Most people were walking outside with umbrellas, but after living in Washington State for a bit, I find umbrellas useless. I really do. If it's going to rain, I have my coat/jacket & baseball cap. I walk a little quicker.

I saw S- sitting outside near the helicopter eating a bento. He was enjoying the moment. I saluted him & walked to the pond. I could see three people fishing. Father & son & another son. They had long poles. One kid held the pole while the father threw the line in. I could see the big red & white bobber go flying into the water.

I then thought back to San Diego, when Dad & I & M- went deep sea fishing. We took an overnight boat, & M- was the only girl on it. All the guys were getting restless after a few hours & I was wondering how much longer it would be before we would be in Mexico with lines in the water. We were going for tuna. And by the time we got back home we had three or four, if I remember correctly. That was seven years ago.

What I do remember is on the way out, & sleeping near the bow of the boat with M- curled up against me, both of us exhausted & sweaty, the storm doing nobody any good. Finally morning arrived & we were drinking coffee & preparing baited lines. The sea in the morning, if calm, is the most beautiful thing I can imagine. That was the reason to fish. We could buy tuna anywhere. But how often could we see the Mexican sea at dawn?

As I walked around the lake I thought of the beauty of a rainy day & how wondrous the trees have been looking lately & how much I am happy that I am alive.

The ducks & the other little birds were floating & flying in pairs. Two ducks flew away when I approached. I watched them soar together through the air, & land between other pairs. All of them were curled up together, avoiding the rain.