going around something is the same as going through it

I was lost in my thoughts of everything that has been happening with me & her recently, so I decided to go for a walk. It was 1:30 in the morning. It was raining. But I had my iPod.

I thought of walking to the 100 yen store, but I didn't want to carry anything back & I don't like window shopping. So I walked toward the station to see what was happening in my little neighborhood. I took my earplugs out. Something wasn't quite right with the Audioslave I had been listening to. I listened to the drops hit the pavement, the trees, the parked cars. It sounded like music so I put my iPod in my pocket.

I am aware that this feeling deep in my stomach is not from her at all. And this feeling is not bad, in fact it does feel bad & is the complete opposite of the feeling I told her about. Such is the duality of the ethereal.

Three men were standing outside of the hostess club. I did not look back at them & would not be affected by their eyes. I felt like crossing the street & began to walk my usual route. The late-night sports bar was open. I thought of going there another night. I turned down the street to the cantina. I didn't want to walk past the place we first had dinner. But the street I turned down was not the street to the cantina after all. I saw a park, & those dome-like things with metal bars I climbed on as a child.

I looked down a street to my left which ran parallel to the train tracks. I saw lights. I could smell ramen. It looked interesting. It was a street that I had wanted to walk down in the past. I crossed over & saw Jack's Inn Cantina.

This feeling is not me. It's not from her but I made it. It's pointing to me.

I passed an apartment building and saw light coming from a second-floor window. There were stuffed animals sitting on the window's ledge. There were at least ten.

I saw the owner turn over the CLOSED sign of the cantina. I looked at an apartment window in the distance: a woman's silouette closed curtains. I thought about non-resistance. I'm learning that it is one of the greatest things.

Sometimes going around something is the same as going through it.

That day she disappeared into the woods created a space in my life. I had wondered who would be next to fill it. Maybe it was the one I met today. The girl who kept wavering from my gaze, but kept searching for it again. I hoped so.

I heard what sounded like a bell. Then again. And again. It was the rain hitting something metal. It made music again. And then men's voices in the distance. Loud, arrogant, drunken. I looked at them but didn't want to see.

Then one said, "you drunken mother fucker" & grabbed & punched one of the other ones. The third one acted with weakness. He rested one arm on each as the one began the throw to the ground of the other one as I kept walking. They went out of view. I didn't hear this other one hit the ground.

I was close to the station & heard the bell sounds again. What would I see next? A convenience store & a couple walk in. I hopped over the railing to jaywalk across the street & thought about how good a tuna rice ball would taste at this moment.

But once inside I decided to buy a drink. The man blocked my path to the coolers. I walked back down the aisle to come up the other side. They were choosing chuhi's & giggling, lost in their moment.

I began to reach for a Coke Zero. I then remembered it was what she had with her that day. The girl's back blocked me & as I reached around anyway she moved forward.

Another one wearing a large gold necklace with alphabet pendants & a short skirt walked in as I was walking out. She looked like a hostess & was talking to someone on the phone. I could hear her say that she was also off today.

As I walked toward home the girl's strong perfume lingered with me & the night's soft music resumed.

the trouble with plurals

S- keeps missing his plurals. He doesn't say the final "-s" at the end of them. He has a success rate of about 20%. I've been telling him this for two years. But we laugh about it.

Last night Dr. R- wasn't stalking me. For the past couple of weeks she mysteriously appeared on the exact train & car I was traveling on to Fushimi. She said she wasn't stalking me yesterday. We had a good laugh.

M- didn't come to the lesson. Maybe she was stuck in her laboratory. But the three of us watched a video on animal memory. The damn chimp won every time. He was able to learn arabic numerals & push them in order (we can do that). Then the numbers were blanked out, & the guy could still do it (we couldn't). Even people that were trained for 6 months couldn't do it as quickly as the chimp. How about that? One thing: the chimp was getting a peanut each time. If you're starving, & you were competing for food against the chimp, would you win?

After the lesson I walked to Sakae to my meeting place for M-. He owed me 3,000 yen for the bed he got from me last year. I've been too lazy to get it from him, but now I have like $50 until next week, so I had to get it from him. Our meeting place was outside Sunshine Sakae where all the hosts gather. They dress in suits & wear pointy shoes & spiky hair. Women (well, mostly girls, really) walk by & the guys approach trying to get the girls to come to their club. The girls are usually hostesses themselves. It's a how money is circulated. From the rich guys --> hot girls --> spiky-haired guys --> ? --> rich guys.

M- says he's still with his girl. He's mad because she won't stop working at the maid cafe. She dresses in a maid uniform & serves guys. M- says it's kind of shady but he trusts his girl. She's only 19, I believe. M- says he's starting Jr. High from May & he has convinced his girl that she can't keep coming to his house at 2am every night. So she's going to quit. I'm curious.

I got my money & crammed onto the train. I listened to my music & looked at the guys in their suits & the very few women, too few in fact, in this car. They were all next door in the women-only car. Division of the sexes.