swing

I wasn't going to go but lately I've been thinking it's better to say "YES" when I'm being indecisive. I gave Y- a call & sent a message to see if she'd be my dance partner. She actually was there. D- taught M- and her husband first. The husband didn't have much of a groove & M- was falling all over the place. But for it being their first time they were pretty good. I imagined they were going to get a groove on later.

Swing is so sexual I mean. You are standing there holding a girl's hands & staring into her eyes. How much more sexually charged can it get? I want to know.

Anyway, it was my first time, too. Here, in Japan, the son of a semi-professional dancer, getting dance lessons for the first time at 38. And when it was done I was thinking, where have I been all my life? Better late than never.

And to be in, of all places, Misfits. It's literally a hole in the wall. But since last year they cleaned the place up & it looks a bit more respectable. But there's always good energy there. And I have some interesting memories of the people. Let's call them Misfitians. I've gotten drunk here about 50 odd times. I used to hang out here with S- & his crazy antics, dragging his girlfriend up to the roof for a screw, and I've seen bands play in the place, I mean, there's just enough room for the band, and a few customers. I've amassed massive monthly tabs that I argued with the bartenders over, and I've seen people recite their poems & short stories to a depressed crowd. At least I was depressed.

Y- looked beautiful. I didn't know she could dance so well. She said that she used to tap dance for four years. D- was a great teacher. He forgot to zip up his fly & realized later, after dancing with the students for an hour, that it was down. I didn't drink. Just had two cokes. I have decided that I won't drink when I dance. That would be dangerous.

But I did it. After a few shuffles of the feet here & there, a spin of a girl & then another (repeat, repeat, repeat), I feel like a new part in me is shining. I want to try this again.

Later when I was at home in the bath reading A New Earth, I had a moment of realization. I was aware that I was aware. And if you know what I'm talking about, well, you know. They say a finger pointing to the moon is not the moon. Everything in my life that I've been doing up to this point is not me, but it's pointing there. I'm glad I danced, because somehow last night, I spent a lot of time "pointing" at myself, and I was aware of it later.

letting go of the ego

Last night I went for a walk. I felt it. I had been reading this book called The New Earth. It had me thinking about letting my ego go. So I went. I went & walked & felt like, yes, this is accurate. To become aware of the awareness - that's it. And it is in recognizing that you're aware, that you find the true you. The true you has always been there hidden under all the "other" stuff that define us. For me, that means my job, my love life, my friends, my family, etc.

But can we ever escape the ego? No. It's pointless fighting it. Just let it be. Let it go. Let it do what it wants. Mine right now wants to write. Hence, I'm writing this. What will my ego want to do later? That doesn't matter right now. I've already learned that tomorrow is a dream. My keyboard is sticky.

I think that's why knowing yourself is so important. Once you realize who you are, you see how the ego attaches itself to things. The ego is always trying to identify with something. For me recently, it has been on meeting girls. Before that, diet. Before that, weighlifting. Before that, drinking. Before that, work. There's always a before.

But does there have to be an after? I don't know and it probably doesn't matter. But the ego will move on to something else. I'm thinking I should just let it define itself & I can sit back and watch it go. My ego is still trying to meet beautiful girls. Lately my ego has been bored at work. It's thinking of going back to teaching. It's also wanting to write a lot more, maybe even everyday. If all of this sounds strange, get into Buddhism. You won't regret it.

Anyway on my walk I walked by the station, and looked into Starbucks. Wow, there's a Starbucks. I then started planning how I would come back in a few weeks time & relax & hang out. Maybe meet new friends. I'm trying a shift from the bar crowd to the coffee house crowd.

I then had one of those funny moments that happen in life that make your day. I was about to step into a crosswalk when a car of girls stopped & motioned for me to go. I don't like to rush, or make people wait, so I motioned them to go. They kept motioning me & I didn't stop either. We were at a deadlock. Finally I found myself moving my arms in circles looking like those guys at the airport. I had invented some new strange dance & we were all laughing once the girls decided to go first. That was fun. I was completely stuck in the moment then.